At 31 I've seen a lot of weddings and have been in 10 or so relationships myself. Love intrigues me.. my biggest interest is how to stay in love. Everyone wants a blissful relationship but so few end up as happy as they imagined they’d be. Couples who once rushed to the altar now wonder why they did and often wish they hadn’t. Having read and listened through more marriage material than most, I’ve started to see some themes of what makes things work and not work.
I came up with this list of questions that I will one day ask myself. I am a woman so it’s from a Biblical woman’s point of view.
- Spiritual Leader
- What is their relationship with their parents?
- Sexual History
- Financial Provider
- Compatibility
- Family Fit
- Kids
- Character
- Time
- Cloud of Witnesses
- Where Will You Live?
- Are You Ready to Get Married?
- What’s Their Calling?
- Are You Just Infatuated?
- Has God Confirmed It & How?
- Do You Know Yourself?
1. Spiritual Leader
Be able to trust that he can lead you spiritually because you know he can hear God’s voice and have a track record of following it. The fruit of their life and decisions will be evident to all. Are they under authority? Are they a Christian example that can or does mentor others? Are they solid in the doctrine of the Christian faith? Do they know the Bible? Does the Bible guide their life? What is their prayer life like and their relationship with God? Are they a worshiper? Have they read the Bible through?
2. What’s their relationship like with their parents?
The way a guy treats his mother will usually be an indication and a sneak peak of how he will one day treat his wife. Same goes with a girl and how she treats her father. If someone is used to pushing away from their parents when they disagree or don’t want to be held accountable, that’s a problem. If there is distance in their relationship with their parents that can be avoided, it needs to be mended. You want to be friends with your parents and you want your parents to be friends with their parents. Once I finished this blog I asked my dad what else I should add and he added this one. Thanks Dad!
My dad just made up this poem over the phone: "You can eat carrots and peas and be as healthy as you please, but you won't live long as you otter if you don't honor your mother and father." - cute dad haha.
3. Sexual History
Have they ever had sex with anyone? When? How many people? How often? Where were they with the Lord at that time? Do they have STDs? Are they repentant and have they changed their ways? Do they understand why it's wrong? Have they ever pressured you to sleep with you or do you know they wouldn't stop it? Have they ever lived with anyone being unmarried? Were they ever married before? If they got divorced, why? Were they unfaithful or were they wronged? Oh, pornography. That's a big problem in marriages these days. The idea is not to just disqualify someone because they have struggled in their life but the avoid having marrying someone with the habit of sexual sin which can end in a divorce in your marriage one day.
My Dad thought to add this one. Thanks again Dad! lol.
4. Financial Provider
Does he have a one income goal in that you and your future family can and will be provided for by his income. I have heard it said that men marry a homemaker but a woman marries a lifestyle. Can he give you the lifestyle you want without you being his secretary and having to help him every step of the way? Is he financially wise, frugal, business savvy? Does he have mentors? What is his financial plan? What is his financial track record? Is he the king of provider you want? What’s their work history like?
5. Compatibility
Goals, dreams, capabilities, drive in life, personality fit. Income goals, self-awareness, classiness level, are they aloof? Cleanliness, lateness. How do they dress? Does this person fit into and enhance my calling so I won’t question my choice down the road? What is their past and life experience? Are they disciplined? Do they care about fitness?
6. Family Fit
Do you fit in with the culture and personality as a whole of you new in-laws, siblings, and parents to be. You are adopting their family and they are adopting you as their new child and sibling. Ideally two families come together. They are partly their family and you are partly yours. Where do your families live? You will end up wanting to live close to them at some point. It’s ideal if you all live in the same town but not essential. Make sure you want to be part of their family because they will be affecting you for the rest of your life. In-laws are one of the four things listed as marriage busters: 1. Finances 2. In-laws 3. Religion 4. Kids. Your in laws can be a problem when they don’t approve of your mate or his family if they don’t approve of you. Do whatever it takes for both families to be happy about your union.
7. Kids
Have you talked about family size? How will you school them? How will you discipline them? What if you couldn’t have kids? Would you adopt? Foster?
8. Character
What have their standards been in the past? How were they raised? What have their standards been now? What movies, music and media do they consume? What words do they use? Are they above reproach? Would they be referred to as a wise person? Are they humble? Servant-hearted? Kind? Generous? Thoughtful? Thankful? Oh, what do they think about alcohol? Do they drink? Have they had a partying phase in life? How and why did they get out of it? Do they have any addictions? Drugs? Prescription drugs? Someone's character is really what you're marrying. Looks will often fade, but you are marrying the person behind all the talent, looks or money or lack there of. You are marrying character & personality - their habits, work etheric, their values and the way they treat you and others.
9. Time
Will their character hold up over time? You have to wait and see. Will you still feel the way you do about them in 3 months? 6 months? 9 months? 1 year? 2 years? Haste usually does damage and steals from the season you’re in. What is right will be right now and later. Love is blind at first but time lets all things be confirmed with your eyes wide open. Something else I’ve learned is that every part of getting married is something to enjoy - the dating season, pre-engagement & marriage counseling, figuring out how you will combine your finances, finding a place to live for when you get married and getting the house ready, getting to know both families and building relationships with siblings, parents, aunts & uncles, the engagement season, engagement photoshoot, wedding planning, the bridal shower, the (Christian) bachelorette party, eating together and enjoying the days of family being in town leading up to the wedding, decorating for the wedding, and finally the wedding day! All of it is so special and shouldn’t be rushed through. Also it’s a good idea just let time pass so that if you find out you’re not a good match when all the glitter and butterflies settle, you don’t make the biggest mistake of your life. I've made the mistake of thinking something was God and just charging forward thinking that time doesn’t matter if it’s God’s will. Now I believe in time and wisdom, not spiritual coincidences and seeing numbers etc. lol. I've been so foolish. Hopefully I've finally learned!
10. Cloud of Witnesses
Do the spirit led people in your life feel that this relationship is from God? Does the general consensus feel it’s right? Your friends and family know you and can generally feel if something is good. Do you have the green light that you are both thoroughly checked out and are ready to say I do? Best to get the counsel of many plus a qualified Christian marriage counselor. If your relationship is right then you should be open to counsel and having your relationship be tested over time. Are you open to counsel and being questioned and guided by wisdom and the people who love of you? And of course by God. Isolation and closing yourself off will often lead to unnecessary negative outcomes, experiences, hurt feelings and regret.
11. Where Will You Live?
Does he have a good place for you to live that you will be happy with? Are they working toward home ownership? What’s their credit score? Do they have savings? Do they have a down payment? Do you have the same standard of living? A guy doesn't have to give you the life you want, but you also don't have to marry him if you don't see the same vision for the future and see that they have the mindset and work ethic to actually get there.
12. Are You Ready to Get Married?
Do you feel as a woman that you can submit your life, your career, where you live, & how you live to this man?
13. What’s Their Calling?
What is their mission statement? What are their goals? What’s their 5 year plan? What is yours? What’s your dream life? Do they know what your dreams are?
14. Are You Just Infatuated?
Is this person truly your type or are you living in the joy of being loved and the excitement of learning about someone? When that wears off, will you feel the same?
15. Has God Confirmed It & How?
Do you know that you know so that you will not be shaken in hard times? How has God confirmed it to you? I would write that out: _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________.
16. Do You Know Yourself?
Are you happy alone? It’s so important to know how to enjoy life and feel complete without having another person, though we always need people in your life. Do you know yourself and how you operate and what kind of person you actually like? Do you have yourself in order? Have you become an excellent person? Are you desperate or are you actually ready to be a companion to someone and be able to choose the right companion for you so you can actually just enjoy life together while you pursue God and raise a family.
CONCLUSION:
This may seem like you think I’m trying to find a perfect person, but really you’re just trying to find someone with Godly character that you will want to live with for a lifetime. Ultimately the right fit is just the right fit, but it’s easy to think something is a fit that isn’t when you just really want something to work or when it’s too early on. I am looking forward to God sending the right person to me, but until then, I’m going to continue to be happy, deepen my relationships with my family, focus on my friendships who will eventually be people who I want at my wedding, expand my cooking, learn more about social media marketing, share my faith online and in person, and pursue the Lord and discover all the little fun things life has to offer. You have to learn to enjoy life not being married because if you don’t, you will end up not liking life in marriage either. Life is mostly an inside job - it all starts with the health inside you.
Big hug,
Camille Harris
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